Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Shame is for Republicans.
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