Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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