So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
