Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
