He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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