I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...