i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.