he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."