woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
3 2 1 whiskey
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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