Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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