I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
