I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
