Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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