my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
