I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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