It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
