Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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