Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
