Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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