I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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