this boner is exhausting
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
