He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
