the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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