i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
