So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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