Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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