and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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