Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
