I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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