Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
