I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
