My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
