I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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