Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
