roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
