He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
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I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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