I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
