you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
