I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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