had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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