im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
