Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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