Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
