I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The uberlube is also flammable
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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