a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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