I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
