respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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