I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
