ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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