My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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