A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
