jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
