remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
