I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
