Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
