We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
