It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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