My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
