I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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