He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
