I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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