I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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