The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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