The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Someone signed my nipple.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
